Rant incoming.
To be brutally honest, not getting ontop of the material in this course in a daily basis is now putting a huge burden on studying for the exam. I feel that the hours of help which are office hours and the help center aren't enough and they're aren't enough TAs to help students in need which include me. After seeing the long lineups and ridiculous waiting times, I felt confused and hopeless throughout this course which led to little depth of analysis of material in the course submissions in my blog. I was very punctual with lectures and tutorials but in the lectures I tend to lose concentration with the material presented when the professor makes a witty joke about something, when his handwriting is often unreadable but after a game of 20 questions I can make the word out, and when concepts that aren't related to this course but helpful to remember are used in this course which I still try to understand till this day(i.e. Delta Epsilon Proofs).
Tutorials are no different either: I am extremely exhausted since there seems to be no air ventilation in my tutorial room causing me to almost feeling like passing out where my TA(who hasn't responded to any of the blogs shes responsible for yet seeing my link for submitted blogs on the 165 website) explains concepts that go straight through my head. The quizes given out each week seem simple but not being ontop of material and even when the TA goes over the concept I dont feel confident with my answers to the point where I can explain each step causing me to get at most a 1 or less. The course notes for this course are helpful in a sense of being exposed to the material but most of the time I often ask myself where certain parts of the solution have been made and the lack of certain knowledge in the realm of mathematics often caused alot of confusion in understanding the entire solution of a question, and etc.
This domino effect of not keeping ontop of coursework has caused me to offer little to none in terms of assignments where my other two partners who are both hard-working and amazing in understanding the material had to finish the assignment making me more "useless" after looking at the answers they have made. If my partners do read this, I sincerely apologize for being a burden this semester. I am in their debt. Synonymous to the Term Tests, it felt that the percentage and the marks associated with them was a bit too harsh. It would be nice to have more marks or just even more evaluations to help boost our marks up and at the same time understanding the material as well.
Also taking note of the kinds of symptoms I hinted/said in my entry Redemption, I am at my breaking point: I feel so unmotivated to review my notes after the awful results I got back this semester. The same goes for CSC148 so that even puts more guilt in me. I do give kudos to the professor in which he acknowledges that students have their bad days and thus by reducing the weight of a term test, the penalty is less lethal but being in this mood the entire semester has left me scarred and I hate to admit it; mentally breakdown often. Rest assured I haven't done anything to myself that would be detrimental to everyone who I met throughout my life. I wouldn't do something that stupid and I regret the times I did.
I often felt that this course was nothing of importance to me; I often question myself time to time where would I even use this coursework to use in my later years and in the professional fields of computer science. This terrible mindset along with the other terrible mindset of being able to get help conveniently to get up to date with the course material has led to poor results.
(End of ridiculous rant. As ridiculous as it may sound in the internet, it felt great letting it all out (minus the vulgarity intended.))
After all the hatred I built up, there still exists some sort of meaning in me that I am grateful that I'm taking this course: It definitely has shown me the obscure, 'vagueness', and 'interesting' aspects of this course from the way we pronounce statements, the visual representation of certain statements through Venn diagrams, the strange world of proofs, the systematic approach to estimating algorithms, the efficiency of them as well, and the one and only idea of the halting problem and the final concepts after that. I am a very systematic person who likes to go through each step and those steps usually cannot deviate alot to reach the desired solution. Introduction to Proofs have definitely challenged my ideals and ever since then it's an ongoing struggle for me to have confidence to complete a proof with the tools of a systematic approach and some manipulation I rarely used in my years of mathematics.
I am a fan of inspiration whether it comes from someone, a film scene, or even music. Although it has been an excuse for many to post them on their facebook status to gain some traction, the ones I have witnessed have really changed my perspective in general, especially in the theory behind Computer Science.
Always try to see the positives in anything you take.
-Don't Hate what you don't understand. (John Lennon)
Make everyday count. Don't leave things to the end.
If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present. (Lao Tzu)
At this point right now before the submission deadline, I strive to at least pass the course with as much knowledge I can apply until the final examination. This semester has been a really tough one as this semester I have been introduced to new concepts in the realm of computer science (CSC148, CSC165). In the end, it really is myself to blame for all of the trouble I caused onto myself and to others with the exceptions of my symptoms that I still try at this point in time to alleviate it.
For those who are confused by reading all of this since I have been piecing this together in one go:
I need to stop blaming and start doing if given the help I need.
Godspeed to everyone in the final examination.
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